Penguins Dying In Record Numbers

Areas like Rio De Janeiro in Brazil are having record numbers of dead or ill penguins washing up on their shore — so much so, makeshift triage centers have had to be constructed for the critters.

Reasons for the decline in polar flightless waterfowl: overfishing by humans and global warming.

Depressed:

Bear With Jar Stuck On Head Meets Sad End

This reminds me of a Woodsy Owl/Smokey the Bear anti-littering ad except it’s real and it’s pretty awful.

Long story short: bear in woods gets candy/popcorn jar stuck on his head.

The poor bear, hungry and dehydrated, desperately wandered into a Minnesota town. He was unable to eat or drink for several days.

After six days of attempts by local authorities to tranquilize and capture the bear, they eventually had to shoot him.

Now, I know some might pull a Ranger Smith here and say that it was the bear’s own fault for poaching some human food. But really, people — give a hoot.

Image of the poor bear here at BBC News.

Warned you this shit would happen but you wouldn’t believe him:

Viral Link Top Ten: The Mad Hatter Edition

10. Secret iPhone Factory Photos!

A woman finds her new iPhone has some top-secret pics on it…

9. “Why So Serious?” Dollar Bill

I’m tempted to do this to my own money, but isn’t it illegal???

8. The Six Worst Comic Book Husbands

Sure, they can fight crime…but what about their skills as a hubby?

7. Princess Chunk The Cat

We are looking for the owner of a 44-pound cat. LOL.

6. Paranoia Sweater

Come out, come out of your deceitful yarn paradise…

5. Johnny Depp To Play Mad Hatter In Tim Burton Alice Flick

I always thought Tim looked like the Mad Hatter, actually…

4. Viper-Flavored Ice-Cream

Dairy that bites…

3. The Night Owls

The best webcomic you’re not reading yet.

2. Keira Knightley Refuses Digital Boob Jobs

…and becomes icon for smaller-breasted women everywhere.

1. George W. Bush as The Joker…

…by Drew Friedman in Vanity Fair!

Mystery Creature Washes Up On Long Island

Hot on the heels of the alleged Bigfoot corpse in the freezer is this picture of a mystery creature that supposedly washed up on a Long Island, NY beach. As you can see, it looks like a pig with a parrot’s face and is freakin’ nasty looking. And yet, I also feel pity for it. Not every one of God’s creatures can look like a koala bear.

What the hell is it? The result of some mysterious genetic experiment gone awry? A promo for some new Fox sci-fi series that will only last six months? You decide.

(Gawker via The Beat)

Also a sign of armageddon: child catches nasty-ass demonic fish.

Bejing’s Fake Olympic Mickey Mouse Statues

Thought you would get a kick out of these fake-ass Mickey Mouse statuettes on display in Beijing as the city gears up for the Olympics. When asked about the fake-assery of the souvenirs in question, a spokesperson apparently said, “They have square holes in their ears. They are not copies.”

Obviously.

(The Daily Yomiuri via Pink Tentacle)

Bigfoot Body Found In Georgia?

I’m taking this news with a rather sizable grain of salt, but a Rick Dyer claims to have “accidentally” found the body of a dead Bigfoot deep in the Georgia woods. Now Dyer, from the website Bigfoottracker.com, has acquired legal counsel to copyright his photographs and plans to reveal his discovery to the world on September 1st.

Here are the Bigfoot corpse’s vital statistics: 8’8″ tall, 600 lbs, and gender undisclosed. It is currently residing in a rather large freezer. As for its looks, according to one person Dyer said in a radio interview that “if you shaved his face and put a hat on “him”…he would appear to be a very large human.”

This story has also brought to my attention the rather passionate rivalries and disagreements within the cryptozoologist community, with Dyer accusing some researchers of conducting a smear campaign against him and his find.

What if the hairy body in the icebox really is the legendary Bigfoot? Will the annals of science be rewritten? Will the FBI get involved? With Bigfoots being humanoid, did Dyer have a responsibility to notify the coroner first upon discovery of the body? And what if it’s really just a taller than normal human with a glandular condition?

Getting a big kick out of this post:

Decidedly skeptical:

(Phantoms and Monsters)

Woman Sues For Monkey Discrimination

To be fair, this is no ordinary monkey we are talking about — but a service monkey. Sort of.

A Springfield, Missouri woman is suing — wait for it — Wal-Mart for discriminating against her 10-year-old bonnet macaque named Richard, who she says was not allowed to accompany her to the mega-store.

The woman, Debby Rose, insists that she be admitted to the store with Richard because the pet helps her with her social anxiety disorder. In essence, Rose contends, Richard is a service animal — much like a seeing eye dog.

But the Springfield-Greene County Health Department sees things a little differently. Which of course means they’re getting their asses sued as well.

Keeping a close eye on this story:

(Kansascity.com)

10 Tips To Being A Mosquito Magnet

Here are some guaranteed tips to help you become a Mosquito Magnet.

1. Wear dark clothing. Mosquitos prefer colors such as blacks and dark blues to lighter hues.

2. Be pregnant. Pregnant women exhale a higher level of carbon dioxide, which attracts mosquitoes.

3. Work out. Physical exertion not only leads to higher concentrations of carbon dioxide in one’s sweat, it produces lactic acid, which also is mosquito-friendly.

4. Live near a coastal area (or any water source). It’s common knowledge that mosquitoes love H2O.

5. Wear dirty socks (and other articles of clothing). Scientists have found that the bugs are attracted to the scent of old musty socks — probably because of the bacteria.

6. Have pets or livestock nearby. Sometimes mosquitoes like to cross-pollinate disease between the two.

7. Wear floral fragrances — including using scented shampoo and wearing clothes washed in scented detergent.

8. Have bare arms and legs. Mosquitoes like the limbs because they’re cooler.

9. Wear thinner, skin tight clothing. That’ll just make it easier for them to siphon off your blood right through the fabric.

10. Have a higher cholesterol level. The link isn’t conclusive, but it seems as if the insects are attracted to the extra cholesterol on the skin surface.

Viral Link Top Ten

10. Retro Gaming On Real Backgrounds

A series of awesome pictures matching classic video game graphics to real backgrounds.

9. The Evil PedEgg

The Smoking Gun reports on the hot water the makers of the foot care product PedEgg is in. You know, the one in those cheap infomercials with all the dead skin shavings that look like cocaine?

8. The Lyrics To Daft Punk’s “Around The World”

I think Bob Dylan wrote this.

7. The Worst Website Of All Time

Do not click if prone to seizures, nauseate easily, or are afraid of WTF sites that look like virus factories.

6. Guitar Hero Action Figures By McFarlane Toys

All your favorite characters from the popular game will be represented, along with little models of their fake-ass guitars.

5. “This Is Not A Pipe” Super Mario Print From Threadless

Magritte weeps, then says f**k it and moves on.

4. “Fat Guy Stuck In Internet”

Self-explanatory.

3.“Finding Nemo” Leads To Endangerment Of Clownfish Population

So a film about rotten little kids who imprison clownfish creates legion of rotten little kids imprisoning clownfish. Nelson says: “Ha-Ha!”

2. Dragon’s Lair Turns 25 Years Old

Which means that I’m 100.

1. No Ice On North Pole This Summer

We’re screwed. Enjoy your weekend!

Russian Scientists Kept Dog’s Severed Head Alive

No, I didn’t just read this off of CNN’s website — but only because the story broke in the 1920s!

Apparently a Russian scientist managed to keep a dog’s severed head alive for a period of time by hooking it up to a crude heart/lung machine. And he filmed it. Film at this link. I didn’t watch it. Just the still frame of this dog’s head attached to the machine has made me almost vomit the Healthy Choice soup I just had for lunch.

So YOU watch it, and tell me what you think. In one scene, supposedly the dog is fed a piece of cheese and it comes out the other end of a tube, plopping on the table.

Oh, I’m soooo sick right now.

Getting a real kick out of this post: