Spanx Power Panties

Spanx produces a line of products for women designed to “shape” their bodies: basically, by holding in, obscuring, covering, restraining, pulling, and generally keeping out of sight fat, cellulite, jigglies, etc.

For example, there are “Power Panties,” billed on the site as “the world’s first performance underwear.” The Power Panty starts at around one’s navel and goes down to halfway down one’s thigh. They look like sheer bicycle shorts.

I don’t know, I think the sight of a woman wearing one of those things is roughly equal to, in attractiveness terms, those beige nylon socks that are not long enough to be stockings. You know what I’m talking about, those socks women wear with business shoes, that get all nice and sweaty and leave pale ridged rings of moisture around their shins.

Certainly, the Power Panty might yield a momentary boost in attractiveness as worn under other garments. But to actually spot a lady sporting it would be a fundamental destruction of an illusion that might be too much to take. Well-worn Playtex and some jigglies might be sexier.

At least the Victorians had the right idea:

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